SELF-LOVE PRINCIPLE #15
Sexiness is not a title bestowed upon you from others.
It’s an attitude and lifestyle you claim for yourself.
Whereas the traditional golden rule is that you should treat others as you would want to be treated, Kaneisha’s Golden Dating Rule is to treat yourself as you would want your partner to treat you. When you are single, it’s easy to fall into the trap of pining after a boyfriend who doesn’t exist. Another trap is looking to the past and glorifying a guy that wasn’t right for you. Like a well overflowing after many days of rain, it’s natural for your love energy to build up during singlehood. Why not unleash that energy by befriending and romancing yourself? Go ahead, be your own boyfriend. Below is a list of some romantic gestures I used to wish a man would do for me. When I realized that I could drink from my own well of love and happiness, I decided to do these things for myself.
Flowers. I come from several generations of women who are crazy about plants and flowers. We love to be surrounded by the vibrant energy and lush beauty of flora, and we take pride in our gardens and beautiful bouquets. I used to constantly drop hints and nag boyfriends to buy me flowers. Then I realized that I could buy a stunning bouquet for under $15 from Whole Foods and have fresh flowers whenever I wanted. I was surprised to learn that many men are excited to buy me “replenishment” flowers after seeing that I already buy them for myself. Rather than feeling like a whipped, sappy schmuck when he restocks my flower supply, the guy feels like he’s doing something useful and manly—like taking out a twenty-pound bag of garbage—except he’s bringing me a dozen pink peonies every week.
Great Dates. While I was in graduate school at Harvard, I wanted a man to whisk me around Boston, showing me the touristy sights and hole-in-the-wall treasures. I would daydream about all the charming places I would visit if only I had an adventurous boyfriend to accompany me. When I finally got sick of daydreaming, I decided to make time to explore the city by myself and with my friends. Sometimes, I would spend the day with a friend exploring the Boston Museum of Fine Arts. Other days, I would go have a picnic at Arnold Arboretum with one of my besties. Every week, I tried a new brunch spot with my girlfriends, and those regular brunch adventures became a cherished tradition. Some of my favorite memories are the afternoons I spent reading on a blanket by myself on the banks of the Charles River. If I had waited for a boyfriend to explore Boston with me, I would’ve missed out on all those delicious eateries, juicy girl talk, and luxurious afternoons lounging in nature.
Sexual Fulfillment. While our lesbian sisters have been fine without men for ages, many straight gals are still relying completely on men to fulfill their sexual cravings. I love a good sexfest with my lover like the next woman, but I don’t have to be in a relationship to get my O on. With all that technology has to oﬀer, why would any woman wait for a guy to give her an orgasm? Hot sex with a loving, committed partner is irreplaceable, but a good vibrator can help you out in the meantime (and make things even better with your boo).
The list of ways you can be your own boyfriend could go on forever: painting accent walls in your apartment, buying your first house, investing in grown-up furniture, going on a solo trip, learning how to drive a car with a manual transmission, etc. I do not mean to imply that most women depend on men for these things all the time. However, we have certain wishes that often go unfulfilled because we’re waiting for that big, strong man to swoop in and make the grand gesture. What most of us don’t realize is that when you make the eﬀort to be your own boyfriend, you often enjoy and appreciate the experiences more. You smile to yourself as you realize how wonderfully you are taking care of yourself. When you work out your self-love muscles by being your own boyfriend, you become better at recognizing a man who genuinely wants to be a great boyfriend to you. If you are a woman waiting around for a boyfriend to come along before you live your life the way you want to, you are wasting valuable opportunities to be your own hero.
SELF-LOVE PRINCIPLE #16
Don’t wait for a man to come and give you
something that you can give yourself.
What’s one way you practice being your own boyfriend?