One of the most important life decisions we make will be with whom we choose to be in a romantic relationship and life partnership. Of course, since this book is called Be Your Own Boyfriend, I want your first focus to be on making sure the life partnership you have with yourself is strong and healthy. But when all is said and done, most of us are very excited about falling in love and meeting The One.

While all relationships have valuable lessons for us, not all people we are mutually attracted to are meant to be our romantic partners. A good relationship is one where each of you lives in integrity with your own values while building up, supporting, and loving each other. A bad relationship is one where you frequently hurt each other and routinely destroy one another’s spirit. In a bad relationship, neither of you are living in integrity with your individual values. While not every relationship is going to be easygoing all the time, it definitely makes life easier to have more good relationships than bad ones.

Strangely, many women are accustomed to filtering potential boyfriends with a checklist of the physical and material qualities they want in a man (e.g., height, build, salary, level of education), but they have not concluded with the same precision what kind of emotional, spiritual, and interpersonal qualities they want in a relationship. A great guy in a bad relationship is a world of heartache for a woman in love. In addition to knowing what kind of man you want, be sure to know what kind of relationship you want.

SELF-LOVE PRINCIPLE #27

Get clear on what matters most to you in a romantic relationship. Then make sure you are living in that experience by yourself before expecting that experience with a partner.

Getting clear on what you want could drastically change the way you date, the people you date, and how long your relationships last.

As I gained clarity on what I wanted out of a relationship and a partner, I noticed that the time I spent with guys before parting ways was getting shorter and shorter. I went from a four-year on-again, off-again emotional torture match of a relationship to a year-long dysfunctional long-distance relationship. After those two relationships ended, I would typically give it a good three months before calling it quits. After my three-month phase passed, it would often be a few weeks before we said goodbye. I started to worry that I was racing through men and that this was surely a sign that I was doing something terribly wrong. My happily married friend and editor of this book, Millie, put a more positive spin to my situation. She had gone through a similar pattern in her single days, but each time she ended a relationship, she felt relieved she hadn’t spent more time with the wrong guy. “You’re just getting better at spotting what you want and what you don’t want,” she said. “You’re getting pickier, and that’s how it’s supposed to be!” Hopefully Millie is right and I’m not just a maneater. The more clear I get about what I want, the less I feel the need to cling to a man who is not right for me.

What is one way a past relationship gave you clarity to move forward?

OTHER WOMEN MAY BE SEXY, but that’s just not me.

Are you thinking this? I definitely did for a long time. I once thought that some women were simply born sexy and the rest of us were doomed to stand on the sidelines, admiring their sexy swag in bewildered awe. is is simply not true. Every woman—no matter her age, ethnicity, or dress size—has the ability to be sexy.

Claiming your sexiness requires a willingness to banish your self-defeating thoughts and to confidently claim it. You don’t have to do anything to earn your badge of sexiness. Sexiness is your divine right!

Below are some common ways we discourage our own sexiness. I counter each one with my “no excuses, you can do it, girl” responses:

1. I’m too young/old to be sexy.

Once you hit the age of eighteen, you have my official permission to step into your sexiness and own it for the rest of your life. Whether you are twenty-one or sixty-one, sexiness is your birthright and should not be squandered!

2. I don’t have extra time to spend trying to be sexy.

Rather than thinking of sexiness as a huge project you have to undertake, make it an everyday part of your life. Think of sexiness as a journey instead of a destination. You walk in your sexiness every single day, getting closer to showing the world the luscious goddess you are.

3. I don’t feel sexy, and people don’t ever describe me as sexy, so how could I possibly even begin to be sexy?

The first step to feeling sexy is taking time to concentrate on you. Focus on cultivating a private and personal sense of sexiness and determining what that means for you. Other people’s reactions to your outer appearance are secondary to your own opinion of how the way you dress, speak, move, and behave makes you feel. People can certainly appreciate your sexiness, but they do not define it. You do.

4. I could never look like the jaw-dropping gorgeous women on TV or act like a sleepy-eyed seductress, so why should I even try?

One of the worst things you can do in your quest to unleash your sexy is to compare yourself to other women. Sexiness is the domain of each individual, and you must concentrate on bringing out your best sexy self rather than comparing yourself to your neighbor who could be Kerry Washington’s twin.

What are you going to do to start feeling sexier?

One of the most popular dating books in the world is The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In it, one of the chapters is titled “Show Up Even If You Don’t Feel Like It.” It’s about the importance of getting out and having fun (or at least making a hearty attempt at having fun) if indeed you want to expand your social circle and meet men.

I learned a valuable lesson: show up even when you don’t feel like it. Maybe it’s a dinner you’ve been invited to. Maybe it’s a party or a concert in the park. If you feel yourself exhibiting hermit-like behavior, question where the hermit feelings are coming from. Perhaps you really do need some time alone or with a close friend to rejuvenate. However, if you’re feeling any inkling of fear or “smallness,” you’re most likely letting that little hermit voice talk you out of going. Maybe you’re afraid you won’t be good at something, afraid you won’t fit in, afraid that you won’t meet someone, or perhaps, even afraid that you will.

Sometimes it isn’t our own hermit voice keeping our social lives a dud, but our own friends clipping our social butterfly wings. If you find that your current social circle is hindering the social life you want, here’s when you need to speak up. I’ll show you exactly what to say with confidence and class.

1. When your friends invite you to the same old not-so-happy hour and you have zero interest in going:

Thanks for thinking of me ladies. I’d love to hang out, but I’m getting tired of the bar scene. Nothing ever seems to change, and we are too fabulous to stay hunched over some sticky bar. I’d love to go out and try something new together if you’re interested. If not, I completely understand, but please let me know if you have any other ideas, and we can plan together.

2. When you want to go out on the town to try something new and your friend wants to stay in and watch a movie:

I totally understand if you’re interested in more of a chill night in. Tonight I’m feeling energized and excited to go out and mingle, so I’m going to go out even if I have to go alone. Of course you are invited to join me if you change your mind!

3. When you are out having fun and your friend wants to leave:

I’m having such a great time, and I’m really not ready to leave. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to stay, so go ahead and leave without me. Have a good night!

4. When you are out with friends and not having fun, but you still want to go somewhere else before the night is over:

I’m not feeling up to this. I’m going to go look into doing something that’s more my speed for tonight. Feel free to join me!

You can leave a place where you aren’t having fun even if you don’t have a Plan B. Part of being your own boyfriend is letting go of something that doesn’t work for you and being fearless enough to improvise. You welcome the uncertainty and realize that it creates space for something unexpected to come along.

The first steps to a better social life are opening yourself up to new activities, finding what you like to do, and showing up even when you don’t feel like it. Your inner hermit will eventually give up on pleading with you to stay home. Once you’re out and about, do your best to have a good time, remember to speak up when you’re dissatisfied, adjust your attitude or gracefully exit if you aren’t having fun.

SELF-LOVE PRINCIPLE #24

Figure out what fun means to you and make sure to have lots of it by yourself and with people whose company you enjoy.

When have you spoken up for yourself in one of these settings?